Holy Catfish, Mr. Depp!
USA Today is reporting that you are spending $30,00 a month on wine! Say what? You need to watch out. Did you hear about Rudy Kurniawan. I'm not saying that you have been taken but check this out HERE.
Anyway, you need someone you can trust, someone who will provide quality, honesty AND value to pick your wines. That's us, Johnny! We can set you up with the MetroWines Premium Case Club. Ship it right to your California door. (OK, one glitch: Please note that we cannot ship to any of your homes outside of the USA.)
$30,000!? From what I hear (OK. I read it in a supermarket gossip paper. But still...) you sued your business manager blaming him for your financial troubles. But he says it's you! Your business manager has filed a countersuit alleging that your financial troubles are because of your careless spending including this little wine thing.
You can't go on like this, my man! Let us help you. Show the court that you are mending your ways. Call us to join the MetroWines Premium Case Club. We just need an address and a credit card. And if we could impose on you for an autographed photo, that would be nice but not required to join.
Sincerely, Your Friends @MetroWines
PS: We loved you in Willy Wonka!